I bet you know that Mother’s Day is tomorrow.
A lesser known fact, outside of the adoption community, is that the Saturday before Mother’s Day is set aside to honor birthmothers. Circumstances that surround the decision to make an adoption plan are diverse and innumerable -youth, poverty, sickness, oppression. It is a valiant decision – one of the most selfless, brave, loving decisions that a human should never have to make. Oftentimes, it isn’t even a choice but a fact for women living in oppressive cultures.
Our family has been touched, so immeasurably, by a woman called “Birthmother”. We also call her “China Mommy” sometimes. I always talk to Ellie about her birthfather as well, her birthparents, to give her better context. The other day, she even, wondered aloud if she has any “BirthHannah’s”.
Because of the circumstances in a Chinese adoption, we don’t know any of her story before she was found by a Chinese citizen on the very day she was born. I don’t make guesses aloud to her about who, how, or why as those concepts will be for Ellie to develop and process and accept as she grows. I don’t make my guesses about how my precious Ellie landed alone, hours after her birth, waiting to be found. I don’t make any guesses about how a woman felt in relinquishing her infant and her extreme emptiness – in her womb and in her arms at having to make this decision.
I wondered last night how this woman looks, does she have other children? Do they look/act like Ellie? What features in Ellie would I find if I were to ever meet her birthmother? What would I ever say to this woman if ever the circumstances allowed me to meet her?
I would say, “I am sorry. I am so sorry that life did not allow you to know this precious person. She is so strong, and smart, and beautiful. She has made our lives so rich by being in it. I wish you could have mothered her, held her, cradled her, heard her voice, watched her grow. I admire your courage and strength in carrying her and in relinquishing her, and moving on in your life without her. I see your courage and strength in Ellie. You are honored in our family. I will always teach Ellie to respect you as her birthmother and communicate to her the love that you had for her by giving her life and making this heartbreaking decision.”
I would say all of these things to her because, “thank you” would simply not be enough.
